for my 50th birthday, 50 things i’ve learned…
1. white towels. white plates. neutral upholstery.
2. if there’s ever the slightest doubt, you should go to the funeral.
3. trim chilled radishes, spread with cold butter, dip in sea salt. eat.
4. the only one who enjoys whistling is the whistler.
5. honesty. curiosity. loyalty. compassion. the rest takes care of itself.
6. bloom where you’re planted.
7. you will never be bored if you learn to name everyday things (start with architectural orders, birds by their song, cloud types, trees by their leaves, makes and models of cars, the great typefaces, brick bond patterns, and millwork profiles).
8. are you old enough to drink legally? don’t order a long island iced tea.
9. ‘what’s the secret– “timing!”– ‘to comedy?’
10. the laundry ain’t done till the last sock’s put away.
11. mosquito repellent without deet is a fiction.
12. clean: in order– high before low, dry before wet, inside before outside; spills and stains as soon as they’re made; never dry clean a suit (damp cloth, brush, steam, and hang).
13. ’but’ and ‘or’ are always worth scrutinizing; they’re the gateways to ‘and’ (which is mightier).
14. hungry people in the house and you don’t know what to cook? chop and brown garlic and onions– most things start this way and the smell shuts them up while you root around.
15. opposites really do attract: white wine cleans red wine; dry erase markers clean permanent markers.
16. sarcasm (that is, irony with contempt) reflects poorly.
17. the last 10% takes as long as the first 90%, but only if you’re lucky.
18. give credit. take blame.
19. nothing beats a wedge-shaped group moving downstage on the key change. failing that, turn on the strobe and shift into slow motion.
20. everyone should work for tips once in their life.
21. don’t buy cheap knives, faucets, mattresses, or tires.
22. the best souvenir shopping is in hardware and grocery stores, but to know a new place, start by visiting their public library.
23. good public speaking relies on excessive prep. no notes. eye contact.
24. eliminate dashes: the colon, comma, and semi-colon already exist.
25. if you wish others to find you interesting, be interested.
26. clamdiggers or capri pants: 3/4 length trousers flatter no one.
27. time passed teaching, learning and playing card games is never regretted.
28. 90% of the party is the guest list; then– buy glasses at ikea and way too much ice. spend most of your time on cleaning, lighting and music, not food and decor. hire a bartender and put him on the far side of the room.
29. the bottom of a ceiling fan is a stupid place for a light fixture.
30. grief: is the price we pay for love, and worth the terrible bargain; is a muscle. exercise it or you will atrophy; is never too far away in time or space to acknowledge.
31. choose the oldest barber and the fattest butcher.
32. turn your feet 45 degrees to the camera, shift your weight to your back leg, tilt your chin, drop your shoulders and say (to yourself) ‘chocolate cake’.
33. start with ‘at the risk of. . .’ or ‘if you want my. . .’ and you’ve already gone too far.
34. at flea markets, don’t make the first offer, drive a hard bargain, and carry lots of small bills.
35. practice emergency skills ahead of time: carving a turkey, changing a flat, tying a bow tie, and sauce bernaise.
36. ‘you’re welcome’ and ‘my pleasure’ are acceptable responses to ‘thank you’; ‘no problem’ is not.
37. packing: optimists always pack a bathing suit; pessimists, a rain slicker. pack both. a couple of red bandanas should live in your luggage, for many reasons (not least, draping over compact fluorescent bulbs); rolled clothes pack tighter than folded ones.
38. stay for the end of the credits; never hesitate to leave at intermission.
39. the only essential career planning rule: never follow anyone who was great at their job.
40. none of us need another reason to look at our phones: wear a wristwatch.
41. a universal, respectable bar: wild turkey 81, skyy, dewar’s white label, tanqueray, schweppes, cranberry, tonic, soda, and coke.
42. the secret to happiness? three things: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.
43. dance: with the one that brung you, with the bride, with your mom, to ‘ymca’, without biting your lower lip, with your backfield in motion, every chance you get.
44. breaking only one law at a time greatly reduces your chance of getting busted.
45. you’ll worry a lot less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.
46. every day: an apple, a walk, a cocktail, moisturizer with sunscreen, and a nap.
47. the board’s job is fundraising.
48. to cut a straight line freehand: don’t watch the scissors, focus on where you want them to end up.
49. stand near the bartender’s station with a twenty in your hand, look at him patiently, then tip generously.
50. the five word life guide: go toward what scares you.
Lovely. Thank you for sharing!